#mf invited me to a sneaker convntion but I was working!

[whatsevengoingonanymore]

I lost a “friend” this year. We never met in person but we lived in the same area, knew the same people, and were the same age. He followed my personal account on instagram about two-ish years ago and was just lurking. He liked and reacted to a lot of my stories. At one point he switched the theme of our chat and that’s when I started talking to him. It was on and off, hot and cold. Maybe more lukewarm than anything. I tried to go hang out with him in person. I barely knew what he looked like. Most of his public photos had his face hidden by his phone.

After it went nowhere and I gave up trying to hang out in person he would send me some local and travel hot spots that looked cool. We still interacted with each other online. He followed my tattoo journey and was one of my biggest supporters online when I was just starting out. Before the summer convention he messaged me telling me he was excited for me because I would be tattooing at this year’s convention. My first convention within my first year of tattooing. He said he looked up to me.

A couple months later I noticed he wasn’t as active anymore online. That’s normal though. We’re adults, we get busy, we’re supposed to outgrow being glued to our phones(working on that myself lol) but one day I was curious about him. So I looked him up on Facebook.

I already knew his Facebook because during a desperate era of my dating life I decided to try Facebook dating. Before I deleted it after a few days I matched with him on there. I just called him by his instagram username and that made him laugh. At least I hope it did. “Lmao” can be a hollow response sometimes.

When I checked his profile there was one new update. It was his own post but written by his mother and at little less than a day old. She was writing to inform everyone that he had passed away. I didn’t know how to feel.

Should I feel sad? I barely knew him. I didn’t know what he was to me at that point. Part of me wished I tried harder to hang out with him in person. Not because of some savior complex but because I wish I had taken the chance. I liked him. On a superficial level albeit. He was attractive. He seemed cool. I wish I got to know him better I wish I wasn’t so scared to be more direct. Reading back at messages I did try but I never really got anything from his end.

In the end, I learned more about him after his death through loved ones who actually knew him. And I feel awful about that. I feel selfish and self centered. I feel selfish and self centered for even feeling that way. Someone lost a son, a brother, a friend. Can I even say I lost a friend?

I’m sorry we never had the opportunity to become friends. Maybe we were friends. I hope we were friends on some level.